BACK OFF, YE PUSHY WENCHES AT COSMO FOR MEN MEN'S HEALTH!

Last year at this time I was on a big health kick, so in addition to joining Gold's Gym I purchased a 1-year subscription to Men's Health. Frankly, I think I did this accidentally as I was acting under the impression that I was subscribing to Men's Fitness, but that's just a minor quibble. So I got one per month, and read some of them, but basically they are all sitting in a stack inside the closet until I get around to going through them and taking any useful information that I may want to hang on to...and I don't know when if that's ever gonna happen, but I still have them, just in case.

So, a couple of months ago I get this other magazine called Best Life. It's got Ewan McGregor on the cover, all suited up. The biggest copy on the cover (other than the magazine title) is "STAY YOUNG, RETIRE RICH: SECRETS OF SUPER SUCCESS."
The magazine's tag line is "WHAT MATTERS TO MEN." Ok. With other stories on the cover entitled "The Art of Strees-Free Fatherhood" and "What's So Wrong With Having Two (or Three) Wives?" I pretty much concluded that I had no interest in this magazine. Then a few days later I get a bill in the mail, congratulating me on the fabulous deal Men's Health is giving me on this brand new magazine, which I never ordered. So I ignored it. I ignored the bills to renew Men's Health as well (Congratulations! You're getting a great deal on your 2 year renewal to Men's Health!) Yeah right, bitches, I never signed up for a renewal. IGNORE.

Then last week I get this really pissy invoice/letter from Chris Cunningham, Customer Service Manager at Men's Health. "We're puzzled. We renewed your subscription to Men's Health as Requested." [As requested by who, bitch? Your Marketing Dept.?] Then they kind of dance around the fact that I'm not actually DELINQUENT, but they'll have to "cancel my renewal" if i don't respond and pay up. Then they have the nerve to give me a January 11, 2009 deadline to pay!

I was pissed for about 2 minutes (okay, maybe more like 15) because somehow they struck a guilty nerve in me and I was feeling like I was a delinquent customer who'd skipped out on the bill. I mean, to use this kind of tactic, in this economy, is just WRONG! Then I got to thinking how this magazine is just like Cosmo, but for straight men, which when you think about it, is really funny...because if it was for gay men, they'd just camp it up and tell it like it is. But since it's for straight men, they kind of have to overdo the (deep voice please) MASCULINE. So I thought, let's compare a Men's Health cover such as this one with a Cosmo cover:

Ok, so we've got our hot, skin-baring celebrity, gender-specific to the mags demographic; we've got self-improvement techniques on how to get rich and consume the right kind of food; we've got "sex secrets" explained so all the men who read the mag can satisfy their apparently sexually frustrated girlfriends; we've got a pull-out poster [note: I think the last pull-out poster Cosmo did was the one of a nude Burt Reynolds back in the 70s, but I could be wrong]; we've got advice on how to dress for sex; and of course, we've got exercise articles.

My favorite bullshit teaser: SIX PACK ABS! See Results in Just 9 Days! Really?

Ok, we've got our hot, skin-baring celebrity, gender-specific to the mag's demographic; "beauty tips"; several stories for the apparently sexually retarded women who read the mag on how to do sexual things that please their men; and a bullshit Tight Abs-No Crunch workout. Admittedly, there's no reference to food on this cover, but I think that's an aberration. I do, however, like the one about "9 times you won't burn in hell for being bitchy." Implied in this teaser is the fact that women feel guilty for acting bitchy, which is GOOD...because they SHOULD.

BTW, I stole this mag off Annoymea's desk...